Why so serious?

Neither too serious, nor too carefree. The whys and hows.

'Why so serious, son?'

The Joker says in the iconic The Dark Knight in a twisted parody of a caring father. There is however a hidden observation here. Let's talk about it today.

A portrait of a child

There is a certain studious child in every class. They obey the rules, they listen to the teacher. They try their best. They work hard. They do their homework. They are shy, reserved. From the outset they look model students.

They don't laugh, out of a fear that their emotions will be visible. They don't talk to the other sex out of an inhibition they can't name. They want to stay in the shadows. They won't sit in the front row, lest the teachers single them out. They don't have many friends.

This is the case of the serious student. The follower. The diligent child. The sensitive child. The person who doesn't forget easily. The person who won't forgive.

There is also the opposite. The careless, rebellious, funny, nonchalant child. Many exist as a combination of the two.

When the world beckons

Later on, diligence becomes seriousness. They take life too hard. Every event becomes a thing to ponder over. Every word said to them sticks. They can't let go.

When the world takes a turn, and an adverse situation comes which is not in their hands -- a disease, a death, an accident, a separation-- they have trouble accepting it. They suffer deeply. Because of their shyness, they are hesitant to share it. They will break inside. They will withdraw. Build cocoons. Shells of identities.

Many times these adversities lead to better things. They discover talents. Hone the ability to think, even find like-minded people. Friends. Learn about themselves, about the world. Mature into stable, adjusted people.

But often, without support, they will go deeper into blame. Blame the system, blame their luck, blame their parents. Into rejection. Into shells. They may turn cynical. Indifferent. Lean on coping mechanisms like smoking. Fall into addictions.

The load they bear becomes heavier with age. As life saddles them with more responsibilities, roles; they shirk away. Their erstwhile diligence turns careworn. They no longer care.

The fear of letting go. The anger at destiny, the craving forming from hunger. The judgement directed towards teachers, parents and later bosses and governments. All of these are signs that maturity never really arrived.

Why so serious, after all? Why so much projection into the past and the future? Why does the present become invisible? Why does happiness seem so elusive and sadness so near?

Becoming

This happens due to becoming. Layers of views clouding our perception, dulling the contradictions between them, obscuring our selves. Denying to us the emptiness, the impermanence, the dependent nature of our world.

Becoming happens to everyone. Even to those mature, stable people; who contribute to society, win at corporate races, amass wealth. Yet suffering comes to everyone, however rich they may be.

We stick to these possessions, these views because we are forever struggling under the load of our survival instinct. We tend to find a home. A name. Permanence. Freedom from uncertainty.

But is there such a habitat? There is no such thing. There are no guarantees.

This papery world that we build continuously in our minds, is only an approximation. We are more often wrong than right. Our models need to be continually updated.

Yet, we don't accept failure. We grind our teeth at adversities.

Un-becoming

How can we un-become? How can we detach from these identities that have taken hold? How can we transcend this I? Can we accept this world, this moment?

We can. It doesn't take a sage to do it. But it is not easy, nor instantaneous.

When suffering comes, we must accept it. Own it. Realise that it is our choices and actions (conditioned or freely chosen) which caused it. Realise that we are not different from others. Realise that this suffering was inevitable. Realise that the world could not have existed any other way. Understand that we can overcome it.

Ownership is not self-punishment. It is simply acknowledging reality without resistance.

A sign of right acceptance is when we don't feel anger, blame, hate when suffering comes. There is clarity in seeing reality unfold through dependent origination. There is love. Even joy.

There is seriousness but a calm detachment from the self. Acceptance does not mean giving up. It is engagement without sticky attachment.

Un-becoming happens in layers. One may have many accumulated identities and views. They have to be carefully unraveled. This needs observing one's mind. Acceptance cannot happen until opposing and interfering patterns don't restrict the mind. Ask these basic questions.

What is this I defending?

What is this I becoming?

Isn't this how the world has always been?

Why does this I feel x? (Go deep.)

Which role is this I in now?

An example of an interfering pattern is thus.

Suppose I get into a road accident. I know it was my fault. Both cars were damaged and the other party presses for monetary damages for their vehicle. I don't have insurance. If I am self-aware, I would accept what happened, and without any fuss, would pay them. But often times in our deluded state, we try to get out of this ownership, and take the added stress of becoming a rageful self, taking immense suffering for saving some money. When we do that, we increase our conditioning. We increase our attachment. It is a greater cost.

How?

How can one reach this state? There are many methods which have been discovered.

An important one is to practice concentrating the mind. When the mind is scattered, it is hard to see clearly, this is the same situation when the mind is subsumed in suffering and pain. By channelling the mind, not only reason stays alive in the face of emotion, but we can also see others with empathy and restraint. Pain dulls our senses. It is easy to forget the world when we are suffering. A trained mind will resist this dullness, helping us stay free from conditioning.

Another one is practicing compassion. When we selflessly give away, we are training our mind to detach. Even though the resident ignorance that causes such attachment is still existent, this practice is of value as it may help in generating positive emotional reactions like humility and gratitude, which is a circutous route to eventual equanimity. A key thing here is to not give or help out of a pull to seek credit or recognition. That is going to further deepen suffering.

Then there is training the mind in logic. Asking questions, but not out of the pull of an identity or affliction like pride. It helps in uncovering unstated assumptions. These can even be those very shells and beliefs which we self-imposed.

There is self-analysis. People do it via journaling, vipassana. Spotting internal contradictions. Working to declutter and decondition the mind.

Un-becoming takes time. An empty self when realised will be adaptable, flexible and aligned.